It is a beautiful day. My brothers and I went to Riam Danau. Riam Danau is a village that so far from Ketapang. We need 8 hours of travel by motorcycle.
We got there in the night. Then, I want to called my father that I had reached. Unfortunately, there is no signal there. I am very surprised about that. Oh my God, I have to called my father. It is impossible for me to found a place that have signal, because I don't know about Riam Danau. I told my brothers about this. They said that we are looking for signal tomorrow morning.
The next day, my brothers and I tried to found signal. The most surprised thing that we have to climbed a mountain. First, its looked easy, the higher the mountain was getting steeper and we continued to climb. We were very tired but we couldn't find signal. We must climbed higher. The mountain is very steep, so we must crawl. I was very scared about that.
Finally, we found the signal. Therefore, we have to hold a tree. when I called my dad, my right hand hold my cellular, and my left hand hold the tree. I was so scared if I looking down. After I called my dad, we decided to went home.
We walked with cautions. If we hurried, we could fall. I was very pleased when I arrived in the land. This experience will not be forgotten.
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hello, weppy...
BalasHapusNice to see you anymore in your blog..
Still remember who I am..?
I'm risma, I taught your class about past narrative.
Well, thank you for the first because you have done what I asked you to write your story.
From your story, I get such impression that your story was very unpredictable for every event.
I mean that each day had a problem and if I read it you had two problems in two days.
I wondered how your brother and you survived when there was no signal and you don't know anything about Riam Danau. It must be scary....
okay, lets move on to another..
From your writing, I found error grammatical in
1. verb be
2. to infinitive
I will explain it to you..
1. Verb be
what I mean by verb be here is you use more present verb be (is, am, are) than past verb be (was, were).
Still remember my lesson that narrative past experience use past tense for the verb.
I will copy some of your sentence here..
"It is a beautiful day"
"I am very surprised"
"It is impossible"
Remember that all those sentences use "was" because it happened in the past..
2. To infinitive
In your writing, you use to infinitive and followed with v2.
"to called "
"to found signal."
"to went home."
The correct one should be "to call" and "to find" also "to go"
The another mistake just common grammatical mistake such as
-"They said that we are looking for signal tomorrow morning."
It must be # They said........we would looking for signal tomorrow morning#
-"Therefore, we have to hold a tree."
The correct one is # we had to hold a tree#
-"I was so scared if I looking down."
The better one is # if I looked down.#
But something that I like from your writing is you have clear sequence events by using adverbial such as the next day, in the night, tomorrow morning.
Also, you use many transition.
Well, I'm very glad that you also considered to use transition in your writing such as then, first, finally, therefore, after, when, if.
That are the good things of your writing, just keep it. I like it.
Finally, I have done give you some note here, in your blog..
Well, nice to read your story Weppy,
I hope you will not loose your signal anymore if you travel somewhere specially if it is very far from your house.
Make your luck following you wherever you go....
Okay, Weppy, that's all from me.
If you still have many questions, just contact me in my blog. I'll always open my blog whenever I go to internet.
And you can also give your comment for my content of my blog.
I would be happy for your comment and questions that you give to me..
C u Weppy..
bye..bye..bye..
wohohohoho.... very challenging...
BalasHapusi think i have nothing to say.. because ms risma has already told to you...
nice post weppy...^^